Sunday 28 September 2014

Legacy


This is, without a doubt, the hardest post I've ever had to write. But write it I must - it's time.

Almost two weeks ago, on September 15th, my mum passed away. 

I didn't want to make some announcement on the blog; that's not how I deal with things, particularly personal matters. Up until this point I've been carrying on as usual (at least in this little area of my life) but now feel as though it needs to be shared in some way.

She'd been ill for a while and initially we - and the doctors - thought she'd get well again. Sadly that wasn't the case. So for the past two months she'd been staying in a hospice where we visited her and sat and talked and looked out of the window onto the gardens. We tried to make the most of these precious last times. To not give in to the crushing sense of sadness and injustice - she was still young - that hung over everything.

Yet she never complained or asked 'Why me?' She simply told us she was happy to have met her grandchildren and to have had a life well-lived.


I'll spare you all the little details of how our lives have been over the summer. Writing this is incredibly hard. I'm heartbroken.

But. Life goes on. It has to. I have Joe to take care of; my stepdad is utterly bereft and there are all the necessary arrangements to be dealt with. I'm currently veering between moments of deep sadness and, for the most part, feeling somehow detached from everything. Dazed. Not quite believing, or wanting to believe, that she's gone.

So each morning I sit at the table with my cup of tea and cry quietly before I go and collect Joe from his room. And each day I swallow back the tears as I do all that needs to be done. Sometimes I enjoy the things I've always loved: walking, cooking, reading.


It's what my mum wanted: for us to live our lives and love our lives. She wrote us letters telling us to do just that. And she left the most wonderful gifts behind: diaries and her 'happy books'. In those books are pages of memories, wisdom, quotes and little musings on what she loved about her life. Recipes, observations, stories. She wanted us to read them once she'd gone so that we'd understand why there were no regrets or disappointment, and so we'd take some comfort during this time.

I'll treasure them for ever. Joe will read them. I've started making a book of my own so he'll get to know all about his grandma - I'm illustrating it with pictures of her favourite things. And even before we found out, on January 1st this year, that she was ill, I was already instilling her values into my own parenting: a love of nature and reading, of good home-cooked food, the importance of laughter and affection.

You're maybe wondering how I've kept the blog going during this time.

Well, the 'happy books' have, like all my mum's belongings, remained untouched since all this began. I couldn't bring myself to look at them. It was too painful.

But I had to look. I wanted to do two last things for her: choose and arrange her funeral flowers and write her eulogy. And for the latter I needed to consult the notebooks. Reading through them I found myself smiling and occasionally - dare I say it? - laughing. Amongst the stories were a few snippets which spoke to me regarding Mitenska:

'I love Sarah's Mitenska blog' and

'Sarah leaving the Uni. Mixed feelings but I believe she is doing the right thing. I so want her to use her God-given talents.'

I suspect I'll find a lot of answers in those books. 

Mitenska is, in a large part, inspired by my mum. It's about celebrating the little joys in life and the pleasures to be had from enjoying simple things. It's about memories and family and heritage, about the beauty in nature we both love. It's about capturing moments and savouring them.

It's important to me that this little space is somewhere people can visit to look at lovely photographs and to share in the good things as I see them. Sorry if this post has been sad. It's not my intention to make anyone feel that way. But it needed writing, and it has been, and I'll be carrying on as best as I can in future with my blog as it's always been.

Thank you for reading. And thank you to the few people who knew already, for their good wishes.

Sarah.

28 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, Sarah. I know I can't say anything that will make it easier, but I'm thinking of you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah. What a beautiful piece you've written in you mother's memory.
    All the best there xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarah, what a difficult post for you to write but such beautiful memories too. You will continue to laugh and cry but most importantly you will have a wonderful legacy passed on by your obviously very special Mum. I just love the idea of a happy book. I don't really know you and we have never met, but I'm sending love and best wishes all the same. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. So sad to hear your news. Thinking of you and your family. Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  5. So very sorry to hear your sad news Sarah. Thinking of you and trusting that you gain much comfort, as I'm sure you will, from the lovely books and diaries which she left for you. x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very beautiful post, so sorry about your Mum but glad she has managed to make you smile and laugh despite the sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I'm sending you my love and will be thinking of you over the coming days. Penny L x

    ReplyDelete
  8. You've written so beautifully here Sarah. I'm so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Sarah,

    I'm so sorry about your loss. Such a beautiful tribute to a loved mother and when I read about the lovely legacy she has left for you tears are running down my face. She's with you in so many ways. Always.

    Sending you big warm hugs Sarah. Take care.♥

    Charlie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so very sorry about your Mum' passing Sarah and I am thinking of you and your family. Cxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. So sorry to hear this Sarah. You have written a beautiful tiny snippet here of what I can only imagine you're feeling. Sending you love across the blogosphere!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sarah, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My mother died young, I know how hard it is. I love that your mum left happy books, I find it very inspirational. I'd like to leave my children something like this too. As you say, the joyous things, the memories, they are so important. The good stuff of life. The photo of her is absolutely beautiful and quite timeless. I'm sending you a hug. CJ xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Sarah, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs. xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bless you. Well done for expressing your feelings through the pain.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so, so sorry for you loss. Such a thoughtful & heartfelt post. xx

    ReplyDelete
  16. So very sorry to hear about your mum. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your mum was obviously very proud of you Sarah. To have written such an eloquent post at such a difficult time must have taken a lot of strength. I'm sending lots of love and big hugs x Jane

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds like you had a good relationship and her happy books sound a wonderful legacy - much to be happy for in the past and future despite the present being a sad time.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hey Sarah,
    Sending you so much love. This is beautiful. My mother in law left a little book for us to read. It was filled with her thoughts, poems, snippets she'd cut from magazines. We all refer to it often. It gave us all great comfort when the pain of her loss seemed overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself, lovely girl.
    Leanne xx

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Sarah, I am sorry, I really am. You've been in my thoughts so much lately and I can see how this space gave you some comfort and distance during the most heartbreaking of times. Your mum sounds like a fantastic, interesting woman, and she lives on through you. Take care lovely. xx

    ReplyDelete
  21. I think I know what you are going through - my Mum died young too - I miss her every day - I would have been overjoyed if she had left me a happy book - no matter, I still have my memories.

    ReplyDelete
  22. So sad to read this, so very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself m'dear x

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sorry to hear about your mum. It's a hard time to get through.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm so sorry Sarah....I know I felt comfort reading the words of my Grandmother in the little book she left for us when she passed away. Such a tough time for you and your family now, take extra care of yourself and I'm sending you a big hug across the oceans. Mel xxx

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am sorry that your Mum is no longer here on this earth. Perhaps your Mum and mine are meeting in heaven and talking about their daughters and grands and (in my Mothers' case) great-grands Be kind to yourself. Treasure the good and take all the time you need.She may have gone before, but her love still lives. She is just around the corner.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh Sarah, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending much love. xxx

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...